Hey y’all,
I want to dive into John 5 today, specifically about the healing at the Pool of Bethesda. In this passage, Jesus meets a man who has been considered ‘invalid’ for 38 years. When Jesus asks the man, ‘do you want to be healed?’ Like many of us, the man gives Jesus excuses for why he can’t be healed. A little while back, we studied this passage along with Chapter 3 of the book, Anything is Possible by Joby Martin, in depth during our Monday night Recovery Group. After MUCH time in the Word, discussion, and prayer, this question of ‘do you want to be healed?’ seems like it would be a no-brainer if you are suffering from an eating disorder. But why isn’t it? What makes it so hard for us to surrender the thing we struggle with or suffer from MOST to the only One who can heal us from it?
As a person who struggles personally with food, body image, and exercise, you would think I would answer YES to that question every single time. But that hasn’t and isn’t always the case. Why? Man, there are a number of reasons.
The first one thing that comes to mind is, ‘who would I be then?’ I have been struggling with Bulimia since I was 8 years old, so the idea of being healed from it would completely change my identity. Hang with me for a sec. If you are a Christian, you know that we aren’t supposed to find our identities in anything or anyone other than Jesus. But if I am being honest here, I struggle with that ALL of the time. Crazy as it may sound, I can even try to find my identity in bad or yucky stuff, like my struggles. Hence, the Bulimia. I would compare it to a security blanket for a child. Those behaviors and habits have comforted me for so long that without them, my fear has been that I would be somehow lost. I KNOW, I know, I know that they are no good for me. That they lead to death and destruction. But still, I hear a little whisper that I need them to survive. Now, as I have grown in my walk with the Lord, I have realized more and more that is the voice of the enemy and not the Good Shepherd. But it sure has been confusing for a while.
Or maybe we don’t want to be healed because we use our illness/disorder/whatever as an excuse for our bad choices. Yep, I said it. Maybe we don’t want to be healed because without said ‘issue,’ we would actually have to take responsibility for ourselves and our lives. OUCH, that one hurts me even as I write it. Please know that I am speaking to myself more than I am speaking to anyone else. The eating disorder is an escape for me, it is a way to numb out my personal problems and ‘disappear’ for a little bit. That is the opposite of what I would consider being a responsible, healthy adult. Okay, that may sound super harsh but all I am trying to say is that using our eating disorders as an excuse to not take responsibility for our lives instead of fighting in our recovery is ludicrous. I am NOT saying that we will be perfect in any way, shape, or form when we are in recovery. OF COURSE we won’t (nor should we try to be). I am talking about straight up giving up because we have this struggle that is extremely hard to fight. If the tomb is empty, ANYTHING is possible. This includes eating disorder recovery. We can fight it one day, one hour, one meal, one bite at a time. If there is breath in our lungs, God still has a purpose for us here on this earth. We cannot give up!
Maybe we don’t want to be healed because the fear of the unknown is just too great. I get that more than I can say. If the Lord works through this thing going on inside of me, and helps me get well, what then? How will my life look? How will my relationships look? All the things. That is SCARY. Mainly because a lot of us who struggle with eating disorders also struggle with trust. Trusting that Jesus is the Good Shepherd who wants us to have a life of abundance is what we must CLING to. Again, as I have said in previous posts, abundance in Christ is not cash and prizes, rather it is more of Him. Sometimes, abundance can look like the stripping away of comfort or Him pruning us to be more like Him. I.e. Jesus healing us from our self-destructive ways. He always answers yes to that prayer.
So, back to the original question: do you want to be healed? Or in other words, do you want to get well? When you struggle with food, exercise, and body image issues, you do not need more behavior modification or lifestyle change. You need TRUE heart transformation and healing that can only come from the One, True God. But here’s the thing— no one else can want it for you, you have to want it for yourself. Like that man at the pool of Bethesda, many of us have and will continue to make excuses for why we can't be healed (whether if it is something we can or cannot control physically/mentally). These excuses will keep us paralyzed spiritually. My urge to you today is to take your next step of obedience in faith to get well. Whether that is admitting to yourself and to the Lord that you have a problem for the first time, reaching out to a trusted loved one to share your struggles, contacting a Christian Counselor, or emailing us at 139 Wellness for info on our free Monday night recovery group—I am praying you will be strong and courageous today. Just take the next right step, God will get you through it.
Love,
Camille
Comentários